Pleasure and technique
How to do 69 (and make it comfortable for both of you)
A comfort-first guide to mutual oral: the position that holds up, what your hands are for, and when taking turns beats doing both at once.
The short answer
69 means going down on each other at the same time, head to toe and facing opposite ways, and comfort is what decides whether it works. Side by side is the easiest version, because neither of you holds any weight. If splitting your attention is the problem, taking turns is just as good.
Key takeaways
- 69 is mutual oral sex: both partners lie head to toe, facing opposite ways, giving and receiving at the same time.
- Side-by-side 69 is the most comfortable version, because neither partner has to hold any weight above the other.
- Taking turns, one partner at a time, is just as good as 69 and often easier to concentrate on.
- Hands carry the rhythm whenever a wave of your own pleasure pulls your focus away from giving.
- A height difference is fixed by shifting up or down the bed or tucking a pillow under one hip.
69 means going down on each other at the same time, lying head to toe and facing opposite ways, and comfort is what decides whether it works. It is less a technique to master than a question of what the two of you actually enjoy. Pick a position neither of you has to hold, let your hands carry part of it, and treat a drifting rhythm as a sign it is working rather than a mistake.
Which 69 position is most comfortable?
The most comfortable version is side by side: both of you on your sides, facing opposite ways, each head resting on the other's thigh. Nobody carries any weight, breathing stays easy, and you can stay there as long as you like. If you would rather have one partner on top, let whoever wants to relax most lie underneath, and keep the top partner's weight on their own knees and elbows.
Is taking turns better than doing both at once?
Taking turns is just as good as doing both at once, and it is a choice rather than a fallback. Trading means one partner goes down fully, then the other, so you each get to give your whole attention and you each get to receive without tracking anyone else. Decide which one you are in the mood for before you start, and switch from one to the other mid-flow if the mood changes.
What if your own pleasure pulls your focus?
Your own pleasure will pull your focus, and that is part of 69 rather than a problem to manage. As a wave hits you, your rhythm drifts, slows or stops for a second, which is normal and not a failure of technique. If you would rather keep things smooth, take turns leading inside the position: one of you concentrates on giving while the other simply enjoys, then you swap the focus over. You stay tangled together either way.
How do your hands help?
Your hands carry the rhythm your mouth keeps dropping. A hand moving in time with your mouth means a pause in one does not register as a pause to your partner, and it gives you somewhere to go when your attention wanders. A palm resting on a thigh or a hip keeps the two of you aligned and gives you something to hold. Treat mouth and hands as one team here, the same way you would when you are the only one giving.
How do you fit two different heights together?
Fit two different heights by moving rather than stretching. Shift up or down the bed, tuck a pillow under the lower partner's hip, or curl slightly so you both land where you want to be. A minute spent settling pays for the whole time you are there, and it is worth saying out loud. A quick "scoot down a little" is not a mood killer, it is the difference between a cramp and a good time.
When should you skip 69 entirely?
Skip 69 on the nights when it costs more than it gives. Jaw and neck fatigue are real, and twenty minutes of a stretched position leaves both of you sore instead of interested. A large height difference sometimes makes the fit a stretch rather than a rest. Some nights one of you simply wants full attention instead of half of it, and trading, or one of you only receiving, is the better plan.
If oral sex is painful rather than tiring, or the ache does not settle afterward, that is worth raising with a doctor or a certified sex therapist instead of working around it. For the giving side on its own, our guides on oral for a woman and oral for a man go into more detail than this page does.
Is there a game for this?
If deciding which version you are in the mood for is the awkward part, let a card ask instead. TicTease is a free-to-start couples game for two adults, played by passing one phone back and forth, and its Kiss Lower and Show Me decks, both part of the one-time unlock, deal this material one card at a time.
The cards cover side by side so neither of you holds any weight, one partner leading while the other simply enjoys, and one that has you both say which you would rather have tonight before anyone moves. Either player can skip any card, the game itself is free to start, and there is nothing to install. You do not need it to use anything in this guide.
Try it tonight in TicTease
These are 3 cards from TicTease, a free-to-start couples game you play by passing one phone back and forth. They come from the Kiss Lower and Show Me decks, both part of the one-time unlock. Put in your two names and the game deals cards like these, raising the heat at your own pace; either of you can skip any card.
Alex and Sam stand in for your two names; the game uses whatever you enter.
- Kiss Lower · level 4Side-by-side 69Lie on your sides facing opposite ways so neither of you holds any weight. Rest a thigh under each head and go down on each other at once.
- Kiss Lower · level 4One leads, one followsLie head to toe with your mouths on each other, Alex and Sam. Pick who concentrates on giving first; the other just enjoys, matching their effort to how good it feels, then swap focus.
- Show Me · level 3Take turns insteadAgree out loud how you would rather do it when the time comes: both at the same time, or one of you going down fully and then the other. Say which you want tonight and why.
Common questions
How does the 69 position work?
The 69 position has both partners lying head to toe and facing opposite ways, so each one can go down on the other at the same time, either side by side or with one partner above. It is named for the shape the two bodies make, and comfort matters far more than precision.
How do you make 69 more comfortable?
Side-by-side 69 is the most comfortable version because neither partner carries any weight: both on their sides, facing opposite ways, each head resting on the other's thigh. Fix a height difference by shifting up or down the bed, or by tucking a pillow under one hip.
What if 69 feels like a lot to do at once?
If 69 feels like a lot to do at once, take turns instead: one partner goes down fully while the other only receives, then you swap. Trading is a full version of mutual oral rather than a lesser one, because giving your whole attention is easier than splitting it, and either of you can call the switch.
Is side-by-side 69 more comfortable than one partner on top?
Side-by-side 69 is usually more comfortable than one partner on top, because nobody holds their own weight and both of you can breathe and move freely. The top position gives whoever is above more control over pace, so it suits a short stretch, while side by side is the one you can stay in.
Is there a couples game that deals mutual oral ideas for both of us?
Yes. TicTease is a free-to-start couples game for two adults played on one phone: its Kiss Lower deck, part of the one-time unlock, deals mutual oral cards including side by side and one partner leading, and it warms up only as fast as you both allow. Either player can skip any card.
Sources
- Frederick, Lever, Gillespie and Garcia 2017, The Journal of Sex Research 54(2): in a national US survey of adults together at least three years, higher sexual satisfaction went with more sexual variety and more sexual communication
- ISSM, Sexual health question and answer library: where to take pain that persists after sex rather than treating it as a technique problem